you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
