I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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