If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
