Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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