What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
