If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
