I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
