You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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