im drinking this country out of the recession.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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