you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Ambien. No doubt about it.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
