There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize