i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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