just come out here and I will go home with you...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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