I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My ATM looks so different sober.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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