she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Found the puke drawer
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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