i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
