The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
