my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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