Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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