ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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