So drunk, too bad you don't want this
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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