puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
