i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
