I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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