You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I love you.
Bad choice
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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