i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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