Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
