Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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