I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize