She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
