i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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