its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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