Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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