You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize