tonight lets celebrate not being married
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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