I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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