someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
A bitchslap is in order.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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