i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
