I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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