She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I could make wine with my vomit
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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