My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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