I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
