i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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