I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize