Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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