my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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