The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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