'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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