You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
