____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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