The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
