Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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