Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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