Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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