i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
