you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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