I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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