How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
